The Pet Diaries
This “skit” is actually just a narration/reading of a planned script. That’s right; nobody has to memorize ANY lines for this hilarious presentation! Here’s what you do.
Get a silly picture from the Internet of a dog that looks totally goofy. Also, get a picture of a cat that makes him look militaristic or even dangerous. The more exaggerated each of these pictures are, the better!
Then, find two people to read the “Pet Diaries” from the back of the room (preferably into a microphone and sound system). The “dog” person needs to sound really goofy, while the “cat” person needs to sound very sinister.
During the presentation, show the animal that is talking. (For instance, when the cat is speaking, show the picture of the cat on the overhead screens. Do the same for the dog.)
8:00am. Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30am. A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40am. A walk in the park! Yep, my favorite thing!
Day 983 of my captivity. My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.
10:30am. Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00pm. Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00pm. Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear in their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a “good little hunter” I am. I am a vicious killer…and should not be trifled with!
3:00pm. Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00pm. Ate milk bones! My favorite thing!
6:00pm. Peed on a tree! My favorite thing!
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I also overheard that my confinement was due to the power of something called “allergies.” I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.
7:30pm. Got to play with a ball! My favorite thing!
8:30pm. Got to pee on a tire! My favorite thing!
10:00pm. Sleeping on bed! My favorite thing!
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormenters by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow – but at the top of the stairs this time! I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released – and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously mentally challenged. The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell. He is safe…for now. But I will have my revenge on these people soon enough!